Tag Archives: winter

It’s Snowing in Wisconsin?

Yes, it is.

That’s right folks. For those of you who don’t live in Wisconsin, this past Wednesday marked the first snowfall for most of the state. This, of course, was met by hundreds of thousands of Facebook status updates about how much people hate snow or Wisconsin weather (How dare this place that is famous for cold winters actually get cold in November). But I’ve got a problem with this. You see, people want to sit around and bitch about how much they hate the weather here, but, in reality, Wisconsin actually has probably some of the best weather patterns that you could ask for.

Let’s start off with spring. Spring in Wisconsin is very calm. We get rain just like springtime in any place in the entire world. But when it isn’t raining, it’s gorgeous. There isn’t a cloud in the sky, the weather is mild, and the girls are in cute little sundresses. Everyone is getting antsy because school is about to let out of a few months. The weather is finally allowing you to walk greater distances in order to go to better bars. Sure, every couple of years we get that major 8”-12” snowfall in the middle of April, but immediately afterwards whoever the hell makes the weather is like, “my bad, bro,” and warms up the entire state and melts that shit within a week.

Next, we look at summer. We have a summer that really only lasts from midway through June to the end of August. And on top of that, there are only really two weeks, usually in August, when it gets humid that summer actually sucks. That’s only two weeks of sweaty crotches. Imagine if you lived in Miami and had to deal with that all year round.

Thirdly, we take a peek at our fall. Yeah, it gets pretty cold. When it rains, it is usually when it’s about 40 degrees out with a twenty mile-per-hour wind, so that sucks. I still remember most of the times that I went trick-or-treating I had to take into account, when making or buying my costume, how much space would be taken up by my winter coat.

Finally, we come to winter, the worst part of Wisconsin weather. It usually lasts like five months or so, from November through the end of March. That’s five months. Five months of thirties or lower. Five months of seeing nothing but gray skies. Five months of having jeans with crusty heels because of all the salt. Five months where you don’t really do anything other than become paler.  Five months of listening to a bunch of FIBs bitch about how cold it is because their parents don’t have the time to shuttle them to and from school in their Lexus.  But really, is winter that bad? I mean, it gives us an excuse to drink more. It gives us excuses to start bonfires. And I don’t know about you, but there is nothing in this world that makes me appreciate the natural beauty of a woman than five months of having all of their fun body parts covered in 4-6 layers of cotton-poly blend.

On top of all of that, take a look at the severe weather/natural disasters that hits our state. Tornadoes? Yeah, there are a few, but mostly in the middle of the state where there are nothing but farms, and they’re never that bad. Earthquakes? Apparently. I’ve never felt one here before, but they tell us that they happen. There were even reports of a vase falling off of a shelf somewhere in the suburbs. Tsunamis? No, but we’d be fine with this if we could intentionally sink the entire state of Michigan. No hurricanes, no volcanoes, no sand storms.

But we do have blizzards. For those of you who have never been in a blizzard, it’s when the sky drops anywhere from two to four feet of snow in a few hours, and then blows in all around with 50-MPH winds. You can’t really see anything but white. If you’re lucky, you can see the headlights of the plows before they run you over. Sounds bad, but it really isn’t. You see, we in Wisconsin view having a blizzard as an excuse to drink even more heavily than we usually do. Before the last blizzard we had, I went to the liquor store with some of my friends at around 4PM. The line to check out literally started at the door. And you didn’t go and grab your alcohol and then get in line. The line went up and down every single aisle, so you just grabbed a basket and whenever you passed what you wanted, you grabbed twice as much (When it comes to blizzards, you don’t know how long you’ll be snowed in). And you don’t just get drunk. You get literally annihilated. You get drunk enough to think that walking to the bar is a good idea (the four-and-a-half block walk took twenty minutes). And on top of that, your boss will give you a call the night before and say, “Hey, you should probably just take the day off tomorrow. No need to risk the commute.” And on top of that, you have a shit ton of snow now. It gives you all the resources you need for drunken snowball fights, igloo building, 15-foot-tall snow penis erecting, etc.  And remember, this is what we consider our “worst” weather.

So, as you can see, Wisconsin weather isn’t all that bad. In fact, I would venture as far as to say that we have perhaps the best weather in the entire country.

Take it easy,

-Panda

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