In light of the single most overrated holiday, Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to open up to my blog readers. It’s time you see my romantic side, the softer side of Panda. This is the second part of a three part series.
Feel free to read part 1 HERE.
This is another poem that I wrote for a class. It’s about loss, specifically the loss of a great thing in my life that I took for granted.
Tonight will be the first night
I don’t get to go to bed
with you as the last image in my head
and last echo in my ear.
Three years, you’ve been there to
hum me to sleep,
stay by my side when I was sick,
asking for nothing in return,
except to be taken care of.
I grew complacent. I thought I could
keep you here forever, and so I neglected
your basic needs. I couldn’t see the obvious signs
that something was wrong, until it was too late.
My sophomore year,
we met in the aisle of Walgreens.
I figured I’d keep you around for the summer,
give or take a month, it couldn’t hurt.
But we started off stronger than I could have hoped,
you spending every night at my place, and it began
to seem like this might turn into
something more than an end-of-summer fling.
The next two years, running on high,
we were both happy with our place in the world.
No worries about graduation, no wondering
what would come next or if I’d move away.
A full year was gone by
and nothing stood in our way, and it seemed like
this could last forever,
and for a while, it was timeless.
But two days ago, you were quieter than
usual, no spritely humming, no soothing songs
to relax me. I thought nothing of it,
hoped for the best, stayed positive,
maybe just a bad day, not considering
that perhaps your heart had stopped spinning.
Yesterday, you sputtered around in my apartment hopelessly.
Clearly exhausted, I still felt no need
to bother, but this time because I didn’t want to face
the facts, that this was probably the end.
You’d hit the wall, finally exhausted, and I
guess I’ll someday understand. You
tried and worked your hardest,
did anything for my comfort, efforts that
certainly weren’t well reciprocated from me.
I wish I could say that I was sad, but I knew that
this would happen one day. College only
lasts so long before the real world calls us to
become real ourselves. And when it does,
I knew I’d be at a crossroad, a chance to
be a better person, give another one
a better chance,
and that I’d only be able to hope the same for you.
Today, I walked in and you were silent for
the first time in three years and I know
that nothing more can be done. I don’t argue
or try to fix what is beyond repair, I just walk you out
for the final goodbye, as I selfishly think to myself,
how will I get to sleep tonight?
In the end, it won’t be so bad. Maybe one day
I won’t feel that I need you, just so I can fall asleep.
Maybe one day I can move on and find a better
version of you, better fit for me. Maybe one day I’ll
take care of it, to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
I can’t pretend that this won’t upset me for a little while,
but one day I’ll forget about you, and live my life as it is.
Because after all, you were only a box fan.
When we read our poems in the workshop, we would generally read our poems aloud, then have another person read it so we can all hear the poems from a different voice. Normally, we hold all comments to the end of the second reading. Normally, we start off with strengths, things we like, etc., then move on to constructive criticism. As soon as I finished reading it the first time, one of the more reserved girls who sat across the room from me smacked her desk and shouted, “OH MY GOD, you jerk! I was actually feeling sorry for you. I thought you were finally opening up to us.” Nope, just found another way for me to be an ass. But in my defense, I had originally started it off as a sincere poem about a rather significant (for me at least. That bitch.) failed relationship, and THAT’S when my fan died, so I decided to just kind of switch it up a bit.
Besides, if you want to actually read me being sincere about love, you’ll just have to come back to read the forthcoming part 3 of my Romance of the Panda series (see what I did there?).
Take it easy,