My name is Panda, and this is my blog. Before I can tell you why I’m doing this, or what makes my blog better or different than the others, I need to tell you my story.
I was brought over here from China by the Zoological Association of America to be placed into the Milwaukee County Zoo. They took me from my homeland, my friends, my family, my life. They uprooted me and placed me into a slaves life of cute picture posing and tree climbing. And the worst part is that they don’t even think that what they did was wrong. I sat in the zoo for some time before one day, during my bath by my favorite (she was my favorite because of her extraordinarily large rack, and she would let me touch them and bury my face in them without getting upset at me for some unknown, God blessed reason), I decided to let her know what I thought of this bullshit.
After the initial shock of learning that I could talk, the zoo keeper figured out that I was destined for something bigger than the zoo. I wanted into human society. I was smart enough and determined enough to make it through the trials and tribulations of human life. So one day, she brought in a pair of clippers and a few razors, and cleaned me up nice and good so that I looked enough like a human that I could just walk right out the front doors and onto the street.
From there, I switched places with some kid that looked similar to me, and have lived ever since as a human, both for the better and worse. I moved in with the kid’s family, the Erfnom’s, without any suspicion whatsoever. I’ve endured the trials and tribulations of life as a growing young man, from friendship, to fighting, to relationships, to lots and lots of alcohol. I even went to and graduated from college with a degree in Writing-Intensive English from Marquette University, and no one was the wiser.
And so that brings me to why I’m doing this. It’s simple. It’s the panda way. You’ve seen us before, we sit around and do nothing and let people gawk and point and talk about us to each other. But you need to realize this one thing: we listen to you. We watch and see what you humans do and we judge you for it. 99.9% of the time, we don’t do anything. But that 0.1% of the time is glorious, at least for us. That 0.1% is the times when you see home videos of us mauling some dumbass who is sitting too close to our cage and says, “Oh, I bet you’d like to get out of there. Too bad you’re locked up! Maybe you should have been higher on the food chain.” And that’s usually what sets us off. It’s the same with most other situations too, for pandas. We sit and watch and listen and take in everything until one day we just snap and damn near kill someone. I’ve lived in the human society long enough that I have reached my breaking point, and so now it is time for me to snap and let the world know how fucking stupid some things are. To do so, I created this blog.
And so, I give to you Life According to The Panda.