Why I Unfriended You

I recently went on an unfriending binge. And by that, I mean I just kept getting pissed off about reading status updates from people that I never really liked in the first place but friended them because I was put into a group with them for a school project. Then I got a little addicted to it. It’s soothing. It’s relaxing. Vindicating. Liberating. Everything. For about two weeks, I logged into Facebook, and read statuses, not for the purpose of knowing what the girl I like is up to at any point in time and if any other guys are writing on her wall/timeline in a way that is “more than just friends-ish” what my friends were up to, but to see if anyone posted anything ridiculous that warranted an unfriendship. So, I’ve decided to keep with my recent list-type posts, and I’ve compiled a few of my favorite reasons as to why I’ve unfriended people thus far.

1. People posting about why we shouldn’t celebrate holidays because of past events/beliefs/socio-economic state of the country:  You know these people. They put up statuses about how inhumanely the natives were treated when we stole their country.  I do not care at all about how horrible Christopher Columbus was to those Native Americans. What I do care about is how awesome it is to have turkey sandwiches for a week. Or maybe they’re complaining about how we shouldn’t be focusing on consumerism at Christmas when some people don’t have enough money to pay their bills, or maybe they’re an atheist and don’t want to be forced to celebrate holidays they don’t believe, especially when Christ, in all probability, wasn’t even born on Christmas. Fine, be a bah humbugger. I, personally, consider myself to be a good bit distanced from anything that you could really term “religious,” but I’ll take a bunch of free shit and a couple days off and be on my merry fucking way.

2. Annoying sports statuses: I know, I’m a huge sports fan. And I’ll occasionally put up statuses about the Packers or Brewers when something big happens. But I do not sit there and talk shit about how this is our year or how much I hate a rival team on Facebook. I spend too much time creeping to care to update my status to be about sports. It’s as if these people have literally nothing better to do with their time than sit there and talk shit about sports on Facebook. I can name seven-and-a-half thousand things more enjoyable and worthwhile. Now, I don’t have enough room to list them all, but I will note that numbers 1-37 and numbers 800-1,300 all, in some way, involve shutting the fuck up, masturbating, or both.

3. I am a truly, fantastically, enormous jerk and I just happen to disagree with one or two of your opinions.

4. Super-religious stuff:  We all know that kid. The one you went to high school with who was really quiet and you knew was pretty faithful/religious, but you never really thought much of it. Then you went to college and your senior year got friended by him and you thought, “Hey, I haven’t seen him in so long, I wonder what he’s up to.” Then you find out that he’s become brainwashed by some weird church in Colorado (http://www.theblazingholyfire.com/) and now is trying to spread the word about how much Obama is the Antichrist (the literal one, not just figurative language) and about the impending doom to be brought on by the Rapture that will happen WITHIN THE NEXT FEW YEARS! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE! Welp, guess I’m never talking to you again.

5. Chuck Palahniuk: Really? Yes. Chuck said, “That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.” This is the stark contrast to the super-religious kid. You have those people you knew in high school or college and you really didn’t like them, or maybe they’re an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/something not so official, and you check on their Facebook to see how they’re doing, hoping that karma finally caught up with them. BOOM. Guess not. It appears as if lots of money and a hot girlfriend does, in fact, make you happy. It drives me crazy seeing people I truly dislike being happy, especially if I’m at a point when I’m not happy (Can’t the universe smile down on me and have at least one of my ex-girlfriends become fat or pregnant or strung out on meth?). So of course I defriend him/her, and tell myself I’ll check up on how they’re doing when I see them in hell, and I feel a little bit better about myself.

6. You’re an idiot: Idiots include people who do the following on Facebook: debate politics; update statuses about how lonely/bored/hungry you are; write nothing more than, “what’s up?,” on my wall; USE ALL CAPS LIKE A PRICK; friend me after I’ve already defriended you (in which case I’ll either accept the friendship and defriend them again to make a point, or refuse to confirm OR deny the request, forever leaving them in Facebook limbo); talk about how many bitches you get per weekend; or poke me.

7. I was drunk and your name is too similar to someone that I actually hate.

There are many more reasons, but I’ll spare you the time, as most of them are for insignificant reasons or fall under the catchall category of me being a jerk. So go forth, my minions, get drunk and defriend!

Take it easy,

-Panda

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About erfnompanda

Life can be anything you want. Or anything you don't want, for that matter. Me? Well, after four years, too many thousands of dollars in student loans, and a piece of paper that says that I can write the English language well, my life is somewhere between 2005 Charlie Sheen and 1980's Danny Bonaduce: Nowhere to go but down. So on my way down, I figure I'll pitch my last ditch effort at making my world-view known and, more importantly, take as many people as I can down with me. And so this, my friends, is Life According To The Panda. View all posts by erfnompanda

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