As an English major, I have spent a lot of time dissecting language and phrases to understand their true meanings. So, what I have done here is I’ve come up with my top five absolute worst words and phrases in the American English language lexicon.
5. If x happens, I’m moving to Canada: There are two reasons I hate this. Number one, it’s old. We hear it a million-and-a-half times per election cycle. Come on, you assholes, be creative about your trash talk. Number two, it’s a boldface lie. Nobody these days puts principle ahead of happiness, so stop pretending you’re better than us.
4. The starving children in Africa: Thank god they’re in Africa, because I might start to feel bad about them if they were American. There are starving people everywhere, one continent’s poor don’t trump another continent’s poor. Sure, they don’t have the basic healthcare or sanitation that I do, but like I said before, nobody puts principle ahead of personal happiness. I could donate all my extra income to those poor children, but I’d much rather buy a pack of Marb 27s, drink either half a bottle of whiskey or 2 bottles of wine, and end up at Qdoba. And of course I’ll take some chips and guac, I’m drunk. Sober me knows that I’ll barely, if at all, be able to eat the entire burrito by itself, but drunk me doesn’t realize that, because drunk me, for whatever reason, fully believes that I haven’t eaten anything in two weeks, so of course I’ll take ‘em.
3. I’m just saying: Shut up. Nobody says something just so they can say it. There is a purpose behind what you say, so stop pretending that what you say is just some type of random opinion that is meant to float around the universe until it bumps into someone who actually needs it. (Of course every guy you ever date enjoys blowjobs, but I’ll tell you this, he’s not “just saying.” Nor is he “just mentioning” that he isn’t a big fan of going down on you, but he does it anyway because he knows you like it. Get with the fucking program people.) The only people that should ever use this phrase, I feel, are people in the Mafia. It fits perfectly. “I’m not saying that something unfortunate will absolutely happen to you if you don’t give us this money, but I am pointing out the fact that there seems to be a correlation between non-payment and unfortunately timed structure fires. I’m just sayin’.”
2. Thanks in advance: Oh, just fuck off you prick. This seems to be a favorite of any person who is of a higher rank than you at your job. This is just a way for some asshole to try to enforce his or her authority over you by assuming your subordination. Well, fuck that. Don’t ever thank me in advance for something, because chances are I will purposefully screw up whatever you ask me to do so as to teach you a lesson about counting eggs before they hatch. You don’t see me taking the time to thank you for reading my blog right now, do you? No, you get thanked at the end of the post, so at the very least I know you pretended to read the whole thing, or at least checked how long it was before you decided it wasn’t worth your time.
1. Haters: I hate this word and people who use it with a burning and everlasting passion. You can’t just label every person who disagrees with anything that you think or do as a hater. In fact, most times when someone says, “Whatever, you’re just a hater,” I’m pretty sure what they really mean is, “You have an opinion about this. Your opinion may or may not be correct. But I’m a jackass, so go fuck yourself.” Besides, look at who uses the word “hater.” 95% of the time it’s used by people who suck at what they do. The criticizers aren’t haters, they’re right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the video you recorded of you singing an a cappella cover of Katy Perry’s “Firework” reeeeaallllllllyyyyy means a lot to you, but you suck at singing and had to pause the song for 5 seconds while you scrolled down the webpage with the lyrics on it because you’re too stupid to memorize the fucking song that you’re trying to sing. God I hate people like that.
Disclaimer: I can all but guarantee at some point in this blog I have used some of these in my writing. I would apologize, but there’s a time and a place for everything, even the worst phrases in the English language. That, plus I’m sure the seven of you reading this don’t care that much.
Take it easy,