Ladies and gentlemen, I just found out about a seemingly innocent, heartfelt incident that happened earlier this month. Justin Bieber, teenage heartthrob and pop musician, took out his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, on an incredible date. From what MTV tells me, Bieber took Gomez to a personal steak/pasta dinner in a rented out Staples Center, and then they watched Titanic. On all accounts, this seems like a highly romantic date, and one that we should be smiling cutely at as if this event were a puppy with big, floppy ears getting scared and slowly backing up from the evil Roomba that is clearly out to get him. However, Justin, wherever you are (I hope you’re reading), I’ve got some things I need to say to you.
Justin, although I usually use this blog to make fun of people or things, I really want you to listen close, because I’m being as sincere as I can possibly be. You need to cool your jets, man. You’re 17 years old. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and I don’t want to see you waste weeks, months, maybe even years attempting to get over getting your heart broken. You kids are young, you are both living your lives in the public spotlight, working on your careers’, who knows what you two will feel in just a little bit of time.
It seems as if you are becoming more and more obsessed with this girl. And I know, I know, I’ve heard nothing but great things about her, but you need to make sure you keep your feelings in check. You picked Titanic? That’s not nearly as romantic as you think it may be. Now, I like my girlfriend, she’s pretty cool. But do I want to die for her in a freezing Atlantic Ocean? Not particularly (Sorry Laurie, I’m too much of a man to die. Wait, shit, I meant too much of an endangered species). And not to mention that steak is a poor choice for a date meal. I mean, yes, steak is good, but it makes you seem like a caveman, which just doesn’t seem to mesh well with the fact that you wear women’s pants.
You need to protect yourself, Justin. While I know you feel infatuated with this young woman, you need to realize that she is young, too. She has her whole life ahead of her as well. Not only that, but she is at an awkward time in anybodies life. She’s 19, and she’s at that point where a lot of women in college are getting drunk and letting their inhibitions go and truly discovering and exploring their sexuality. I mean, I heard that women’s vaginas talk to them and tell them what they want and/or need. Don’t believe me, Justin? Check out my friend Willofawillow’s blog. So what makes you think that your gal Selena’s vagina isn’t talking to her? Telling her what she should be doing, what she should be having done to her? Why wouldn’t she be exploring and discovering her sexuality? Maybe since she’s in the spotlight so much she hides it pretty well, but believe me, she’s having thoughts about things that are illegal for you to do at this point, and at some point, sooner or later, she is going to need to address the fact that you simply cannot legally provide for the things she needs.
Justin, I just want you to be happy. Please take into account what I’ve told you here, and keep it close to your heart.
Forever and Always,