Solidarity in Wisconsin

As some of you may have heard, Wisconsin and it’s citizens are under attack.  A nonprofit vegan’s group has decided to put a billboard up right outside of Green Bay defaming cheese by telling us that it is extremely unhealthy for us.  Go ahead, read that and tell me that you are not disgusted.

As a lifelong Wisconsinite, I cannot tell you how offended I am at this.  Cheese is a way of life for us in this state, as it damn well should be.  The issue that I have with this billboard is two-fold.  First, we need to look at the economy of this billboard’s message and Wisconsin in general.  We all know that we are currently in a recession (or recession-like time period, for you uber-liberals), and that unemployment levels are rising.  Globalization is taking more and more jobs overseas.  Since Wisconsin is the state that leads production of cheese in the country, it is quite obvious that cheese consumption and production is a vital area of our own state and local economies.  If we were to do what this billboard wants us to do and cut the cheese out of our diet, we will be no better than what those asshole (Republicans/ Democrats) (circle one) in Washington who are killing jobs with their overly zealous (tax cuts for fat cats / spending).  All we Wisconsinites are trying to do is to take charge of the economy, support our local businesses.  You know, buy ‘Merican.  But these hippie (I’m assuming here, but they’re from Washington.  State, that is.) are trying to get us to stop consuming cheese, which could easily be likened to state suicide.  I mean, how would you feel if a group told people in Michigan to stop buying Fords?  How well would it go over if you told Swiss people to not buy utility knives or those metal water bottles?  Or told all those bitches in LA with low self-esteem that they can’t buy breast implants?  Cheese is vital to our economy, and we are here to support it.

The second side of me being offended is that they are insinuating that we, as Wisconsinites, are fat.  Oh, I’m sorry, I meant overweight and/or obese.  I, personally, am offended.  Some people look at me and call me fat, but for fuck’s sake dude, I’m a panda bear.  I am well, WELL underneath the average weight of an adult male panda, which is usually around 350 pounds.  But that’s beside the point.  Have you ever been on a farm?  Do you know the kind of work that they have to do?  Have you ever met a farmhand?  Honestly, it’s like a beef, cheese, and corn diet will automatically make you 6’5″ and 325 pounds.  and a lean 325 pounds at that, those guys are just big.  Everything about them is honestly like 1.5 times the size of normal people’s.

But the issue is, they seem to think that they know what fat/overweight/obese is, and they want to tell us that we are too damn big.  Well, listen, I’ve got some news for them.  We know we’re big.  And we’re OK with that.  If we live in a state where we have to be slightly unhealthy in order for our state and economy to function properly, then so be it.  But don’t tell us we’re too fat.  We know what amount of fat is OK and when it gets to be too much.  We all even have our own little ways of knowing it.  Like, if we wear a large t-shirt and our lovehandles are CLEARLY defined because it is so tight, then we are too big.  If a lady’s grannie panties by the end of the day ALWAYS end up looking like a thong, then they might need to go for a bike ride.  Or better yet, get a stationary bike (Not because they’re fat, but because of the drunk drivers (this is Wisconsin (safety first!))).  Or if we are a man and we lay down on our side to go to bed and we put both of our hands underneath our head because we can’t find a pillow that has that just-right amount of lift without being too fucking hard and our tits are touching each other, maybe we’ve gone a little too far with the cheese.  Or if, when we’re having sex, our stomachs are so big and so heavy that they press against the stomach of the girl and when our bellybuttons match up just right the air gets compressed so much that it is forced out of our bellybuttons and in between our stomachs making a farting noise that makes you laugh you ass off but not stop thrusting (priorities), then and only then, will we lay off of the cheese.

But until the day comes that those things happen, we will continue to support our local and state economies, we will continue eat cheese, and goddamnit we will continue to be beautiful.

Until next time,

-Panda

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About erfnompanda

Life can be anything you want. Or anything you don't want, for that matter. Me? Well, after four years, too many thousands of dollars in student loans, and a piece of paper that says that I can write the English language well, my life is somewhere between 2005 Charlie Sheen and 1980's Danny Bonaduce: Nowhere to go but down. So on my way down, I figure I'll pitch my last ditch effort at making my world-view known and, more importantly, take as many people as I can down with me. And so this, my friends, is Life According To The Panda. View all posts by erfnompanda

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