A-Holes, Thy Name is U: An Exposition on People Who Go By Their Initials and The Death of The English Language

Hey folks,

I hope you are all doing well this week.  Me?  Not so much.  I’ve been running into a lot of assholes lately, and there’s a big revelation that I’ve uncovered about the human race:  nearly every one that is an asshole goes by their initials.  Superficial?  Maybe.  Insightful and absolutely right?  I’d like to think so.  So I decided to take a deeper look into some of the more famous assholes who went by their initials.  Here is the cream of the asshole crop.

JD Salinger:

Sure, I have to respect Salinger for being one of the better American writers in history.  In addition to Catcher in the Rye, he has published several other books of shorter stories and novellas, and numerous other short stories (short stories being the first works Salinger started writing, as well as his first claim to fame).  But the issue with Salinger is not about the quality of writer Salinger is, but the reclusive way of life that he took to after finally making it.  After he published Catcher in the Rye, he didn’t publish another novel, and only released a handful of short stories and collections.  Instead of pursuing his dream further, Salinger simply got himself a nice little apartment and lived there, presumably not doing anything.  To me, there is not anything worse than someone who has a talent and has gotten to the top and then just decides to quit.  That’s why Michael Jordan and Barry Sanders and JFK were assholes.  (Boo-hoo, your chances at reelection are dropping because of the civil rights laws that you publicly say you support are causing you to lose votes.  It’s just so sad to see someone support doing the right thing.  But fuck, dude, you didn’t need to get yourself shot.)   But it’s like Salinger is that guy who “retires” as soon as he has enough money to do so.  It makes you want to just look at him and say, “Come on, dude, you’re going to get bored of jerking off all day in like a week.”  Salinger never did.  Last published work: 1965.  Died:  2010.  45 years of jerking.  Impressive, but he’s still an asshole.

M. Night Shyamalan:

Ah, yes.   Don’t get me wrong, “The Sixth Sense” was one of my favorite movies when it came out.  But on the other hand, he does possibly the biggest asshole thing to do:  he ruins his shit on purpose.  He adds these ridiculous twists to his movies as if to say, “Hey, all you struggling artists out there, you know how you work your ass off to create the best possible piece of work?  Look at me.  I take otherwise decently written and fairly well directed movies and destroy them with a half-assed attempt to be creative and different, and I don’t even stop to revise or rethink the twist before we film it, so I’m stuck with movies about aliens who are allergic to water coming to a planet where (forget the fact it’s 2/3rds covered in water because that’s why they went to fucking Iowa where there is no Goddamn ocean you Goddamn trolling fucks, (although anybody who has seen the movie Field of Dreams knows that there is almost always an eerie fog (I’ve actually never seen the movie, but I assume there is fog in it somewhere), which would have, again, melted the shit out of the motherfuckers)), the air at sea level can hold up to 4% water vapor in it’s total volume, meaning that with every breath those aliens take, they ought to be melting from the inside out. As they would if they were to eat pretty much anything on Earth, especially human beings, since we are, in fact, basically a water balloon with a bunch of carbon and other shit.  Admittedly, that would probably be a better ending, but then I wouldn’t be able to have a feel-good aspect to the film when the person most likely to die first (the little girl), ends up being the hero because she can’t just pick up her fucking shit around the house. Besides, like I said, I don’t rethink this shit.”  Maybe he wouldn’t say that.  Asshole.

DJ Tanner (From Full House):

Let’s just list off some of the asshole things that this young lady has done in her life:  She has run away from home that had both John Stamos AND Bob Saget (but I’m not quite sure if that justifies her or makes her even more idiotic), she dropped her dad’s wedding ring down the sink, she apparently was a “bad kisser,” which makes her not returning my date request somewhat of a relief to me, and she was also very bossy and a jerk to Michelle Tanner at Disney World (or Land, maybe?  I don’t know the fucking difference) which caused Michelle to run away and get lost at the happiest place on Earth.  Everyone knows that bullying is a very bad thing and can have major consequences.  I mean, it’s possible that Michelle Tanner now has an eating disorder because of all the trials and tribulations that she had to undergo because of her older sister.

But the worst part is that I think she’s racist, because in one of the letters that I sent to her, I asked her out on a nice, harmless, non-committal coffee date.  She, like a bitch, never replied, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m part black.  But, in the next episode of Full House, she was eating blackberries.  Blackberries?  Really?  Come on, this is the 21st century, I thought we were past this whole, “Oh, I heard that all black bears like blackberries.”  Listen, asshole.  Number one, I’m not a black bear, I’m a panda bear, don’t mix up the two, because when you do it’s offensive to my heritage.  Number two, not all black bears even eat that shit.  I certainly don’t.

Anyone Named DJ:

Now that I think of it, I don’t remember a single person named DJ that was cool or anything but an asshole.  I mean, if a girl is named DJ, just look at the section on DJ Tanner and all those bitches probably did the same stuff.  And if a guy is named DJ, chances are he’s one of those assholes who gels his hair into a kind of spiky look, wears thick rimmed glasses that make you hate yourself because you were thinking about getting the same kind, and overtly pretentious.  I’m talking really pretentious.  Like so pretentious that he would have the balls to ask a landlord if he could knock down a wall because he felt he was upset that the only apartment available was a studio.  Either way, this “name” sucks, and so does everyone who goes by it.

DJ Pauly D (From Jersey Shore, co-founder of the GTL movement and the MVP Super-Douche Group):

Douchebag Parmesiano.  Young American of Italian descent, marinated in the finest all-unnatural tanning oil, slow-roasted under the most HIV- and Herpes-free light bulbs New Jersey has to offer, slathered in our own house-recipe hair gel, and served in an Ed Hardy getup.  7.95

ee cummings:

ee cummings has long been revered as one of the greatest American poets of all time, and seemingly justifiably so.  He has enjoyed a long career, many awards and accolades, and a large following in the literary scene.  However, I have an issue with one of the stylizations that he pioneered:  the decapitalization and depunctuation of some of his poetry.  He has been known to say that he did so because he felt that the form of the poem should write the poem, and basically if you do it right, you don’t need capital letters or punctuation.  Besides being somewhat arrogant, to me, it has an absolutely unforgivable side-effect: the destruction of the English language.  Yes, I know he didn’t mean to, and he probably didn’t realize that his work would lead to such a travesty, but I can and will still blame him.  We live in a society where apparently people don’t think it’s necessary to follow the rules of our very own language because doing so would take up too much time or too much space and, let’s face it, we’ve all apparently got better shit to do.  I mean, we’ve got the “text speak,” and “leet speek,” and people are writing shit like, “lol,” and, “cya l8er,” and even Usher had a hit song called, “OMG.”  But kids nowadays say that it’s fine because they understand it, and since it’s a text message, or written online somewhere, that they understand it, much like cummings’ justification for his style.  (However, I will give cummings credit on this point.  When I’m texting a cute girl I’m crushing on, I will usually intentionally not send it in perfect English, (I usually end up just sitting there looking at a draft of the text for an hour or so trying to decide what word to misspell or what punctuation mark to leave out while still making my point clear) because, let’s face it, cool kids can’t fuck with proper English).  But it’s not just a pet peeve of mine either.  Have you ever seen those commercials where they put up part of a text and a lady or old guy provides the voice over saying, “This was the text my son was reading when he crashed his car and died”?  Almost every one of those texts has the same bullshit shortened language.  Perhaps if they had revered the English language as they ought, they would have taken the time, pulled over like a responsible person, and give their text message the proper attention it deserves, maybe, just maybe, they’d still be alive.  And besides, anyone who watches Californication, and has seen that episode where David Duchovny fucks (go figure) the chick who says, “lol,” and uses the term “bj,” you should understand that this shorthanded use of language isn’t just limited to writing, but some people actually use it speaking (although, when it comes to the term BJ, I’ll give credit, because there isn’t really a romantic way to refer to fellatio.  I mean, all the terms for it kind of seem a bit grotesque, if you ask me (How romantic can it really be for a woman to hear, “Hey, how do you feel about blowjobs?” (Not that that gets in the way of me saying that exact thing to women (I’m so smooth.)))).  Plus I don’t really think cummings was really that thought- or emotion-provoking.  Plus his name was cummings, which prevents anybody with a life from talking about him without pausing for a second to try and come up with a joke that hasn’t been done yet about his last name being cummings.

By no means is this list complete, but I think for now this should suffice.  So as you go about your life, watch out for assholes, they’re everywhere.

More posts coming soon.  It’s back to the self-depricating shit pretty soon, too.

Take it easy,

-Panda

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About erfnompanda

Life can be anything you want. Or anything you don't want, for that matter. Me? Well, after four years, too many thousands of dollars in student loans, and a piece of paper that says that I can write the English language well, my life is somewhere between 2005 Charlie Sheen and 1980's Danny Bonaduce: Nowhere to go but down. So on my way down, I figure I'll pitch my last ditch effort at making my world-view known and, more importantly, take as many people as I can down with me. And so this, my friends, is Life According To The Panda. View all posts by erfnompanda

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