Monthly Archives: June 2011

Apologies and Baths

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet world (or just friends who want to read this in order to make fun of me), I feel I may have done you wrong.  I have acted, in a sense, as a blog-tease.  I promised you something that I didn’t deliver on.  I understand that you may be feeling a bit cheated, so I promise this will be long and intense.

First, I apologize for my lack of updates.  After my initial post, I kept telling myself that I needed to study, so I watched SportsCenter.  After that, I realized I was done with college, so I entered upon a mind-numbing week-and-a-half of alcoholic behavior.  Irresponsible, I know, but at least I didn’t end up posting an entry that consisted entirely of something like, “Hhhheeyyyyyyyyy,” or “WHAT THE FVKVC ARE YOU DOIG RIGHT NOW?”  But then again, I probably texted you that.  Whatever.  Then I moved back in with my parents, and as I unpacked things, my computer decided to not work.  Perhaps because computers weren’t made for panda paws, and the repeated stroking of the keys and hitting it when it was being a bitch was too much for it to handle.  So, I decided to cut back on the bamboo, and got a new one.  And then I did the worst thing that I could:  job search.  Next to moving back in with my parents, job searching is most depressing thing a panda can do (apparently a panda with a Writing-Intensive English degree from a prestigious (read:over-rated) university such as Marquette isn’t the most employable (after all, why would an English major supplement his English curriculum with actual applicable skills? (Because his academic advisor, who, in response to being questioned if supplementing his curriculum would allow him to be more marketable, said, “no, no, you’re just going to want to get out of here in four years.”  Bitch.  (Way to focus on the four-year graduation statistics instead of your students actual futures.)))).  Also, DT’s and panda paws make it a bit difficult to type.  But now, I’m here.

Secondly, let’s get to what you really came here for:  life according to me, the panda.  Upon coming home, I wasn’t allowed to use the shower, because it was leaking into our dining room.  So, for the majority of the time, I’ve been bathing by standing on a bathmat in front of the sink with a bar of soap and washcloth, and it worked out for the most part.  But it was missing something.  It didn’t have that engulfment of water that makes a shower so pleasurable, like a spring rain in the comforts of a forest in China (Oh, how I miss those days of my youth, before I was kidnapped).  So, I decided to do something that I haven’t done in well over a decade:  take a bath.

I stopped taking in elementary school because I thought it was girly.  My mom and sister took baths, but my brother and dad took showers.  I wanted to be a man-panda, so I started to take showers. I never gave it a second thought.  Even throughout this last year, when I was living in my own apartment that had it’s very own bathtub, I only took showers.  The only thing that I generally associate baths with is the oatmeal ones that humans take when they get the chicken pox.  But I figured, what the hell, I could use a full (and legitimate) bathing anyway, so a bath it was.

I pulled out all the stops on this one.  I turned the water on hot, poured in some eucalyptus spearmint bubble-bath mix, lit the candles that my mom had placed around the tub, turned on some Dido, turned off my cell phone, made sure the door was locked, and went in.

Holy shit, is taking a bath weird.  I stepped into the water, and it was really hot.  I mean, not just hot for a gigantic wuss like myself, but literally hot.  So I swiped my paw around the water after turning the faucet on cold, and a few minutes later it was a perfect temperature.  But then I was faced with a new problem:  What the hell do I do?  I mean, I know I’m supposed to wash up, but I’ve been out of the bath game for over a decade, I’m a little rusty.  There were just too many questions.  How do I get from the standing position to sitting without falling on my tail?  Easy, squat awkwardly, place paws on the side, kind of turn as best I can so I can get a knee down, kind of lay on my side naked-Burt-Reynolds style, and then finally move into the sitting position.  Do I sit upright, or kind of lay down in a semi-fetile position?  Do I sit in the middle, or all the way back?  If it’s a bubble bath, do I need to use shampoo, or can I just dunk my head?  How the fuck do I rinse my face off?  Do I get up before, during, or after the water drains?  I just do not have the slightest clue.  But needless to say, I managed.

Now that I think about it, taking a bath after such a long time without taking one is a lot like losing your virginity.  Despite the specific questions listed above, there are a lot of similar concerns and thoughts going through your mind during both activities.  “Does the Dido set the mood, or is it just cheesy?”  “Man, I could use a cigarette after this.”  “Am I allowed to sigh if it feels nice?”  “I hope I don’t get soap in my eye.”  “I really don’t know what I’m doing right now.”  “My mom does the same exact thing in the same exact spot.”  “It must be hard for someone with Parkinson’s to do this.”  “It’s been five minutes and I’ve had fun, but can I leave and take a nap in my bed now?”

But, in the end, baths aren’t nearly as awkward the next day.  No “uh…good-morning,” no “where the fuck is my underwear,” no “did I use a condom?”  And not only that, but you can sit in the tub as long as you want, and nobody gives a shit.  If you sat in the tub for an hour, people would just say, “that must have been relaxing,” but if you stand in a shower for an hour, people ask you, “how many times did you jerk off in there?”

So, I can only conclude that baths are acceptable.  But for this panda, and I suspect for many others, it’s like losing your virginity again: really awkward and you don’t want to go back to that.  Besides, it’s much nicer to be with the slutty shower.  More room to move around in.  Read that as you will.

Until next time,